Best of Craigslist

Lance found these on Craigslist and we got a kick out of it:

NEED SOMEONE TO HIDE EASTER EGGS IN MY APT WHEN I'M NOT HOME!
Posted April 7, 2009

I need someone to hide Easter eggs in my apt when I am not there! They are small and filled with candy! I would like to find them myself on Sunday! I am willing to pay! Serious inquiries only!

FREE, FREE, FREE!!!
Posted May 21, 2009

Ever want a good quality stump you can rest your feet on, relax on, or even eat your food on? Then we have the best item FOR FREE just for you. Today only come and get your free, newly removed stump. You even get the dirt attached for NO CHARGE. Just can't get any better than this. Please let everyone have a chance for this, serious inquiries only. Have a great day, have fun and keep shopping on Craigslist! (Click HERE for the picture).

GARAGE SALE ETIQUETTE
Posted July 20, 2009

Hello buyers and thank you for coming to our garage sale.

I know our newspaper ad and signs say that we open at 7 am, but if you arrive at 6:00, go ahead and ring the doorbell several times and peer into the windows until we answer. We'll open up early for you.

Feel free to show up with your unleashed dog, and of course, let him poop in the front yard. Our lawn-boy will clean that up later.

For your convenience, we've taken the time to mark everything with a price. But go ahead and keep asking, "How much do you want for this?"

In the mood for a cigarette? Come into the garage and light ion up. Grandpa doesn't mind if you blow the smoke right into his face. He's only on an oxygen tank. It's probably good for him anyway. And just leave the butts on the garage floor or flick them into the yard. We'll take care of those for you too. It's my mistake for not having an ashtray available.

And I know 25 cents is a fairly steep price. So let's haggle for 5 minutes about it. I don't have anything else to do today.

Also, pick up a bunch of items and then tell me what they remind you of. Be sure to tell me about every aspect of your life. Don't leave anything out. I'd love to hear all about you. And when you put the item back, just throw it in a completely different spot, upside down or just all wadded up.

Your McDonald's breakfast is going right through you, isn't it? Of course you can come in and use our bathroom. Be sure to look in the medicine cabinet for any prescription meds you might need. And there's some spray up in the window in case you drop a poop. Hope everything comes out ok!

Wow, you want to buy all of our grandmother's antiques and at our full asking price? Oh, but you don't have any cash with you. Well yes, you can certainly write us a check and then drive off with the merchandise! No worries. I'm sure you're an honest person. Next time, we'll try to be prepared and accept credit and debit cards.

As you leave, be sure to rev up the engine several times, blast the salsa music and then lay a scratch as you drive away. It's loud but oh so cool. Have a great day!

ACTOR NEEDED FOR EMOTIONAL ROLE. ONE DAY HIGH PAY
Posted April 17, 2009

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a cocker spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes away from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things to be thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, they're girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

LIGHT HOUSE CLEANING NEEDED
Posted September 23, 2008

Need some light house cleaning. I'm pretty busy and not able to clean my apartment so I need someone to do some light work once a week or so. Here are some pictures to give a general idea. (This one you just have to see the pictures HERE)