Adventures with Grandma Cox

Playing at the park and drinking fry sauce at Dairy Queen

Truth

“Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty.”
― Thomas S. Monson

Journaling

A few weekends ago Lance spent three days in Provo visiting Kempton. It had been a LONG time since he has had any time to himself, usually working weekends and being on call in the evenings. I tried to get him to stay but realized he needed to go and relax for a bit. He works so hard to provide for us, he hardly does anything for himself, it was time to get away by himself and enjoy the company of Kempton and Bonnie.

After he got home from UT, he went to Spokane, WA for work taking John with him for company. It was a long drive and they spent three days there. 

Over the weekend I went with the majority of the Pettingill's to grandpa's cabin in Elba for four days to celebrate Memorial Day. I really debated going because Lance was on call and wasn't able to go with me. But I needed help with Kimball so I decided it was best that I go and be with Mom, haha. The thing I was dreading the most was the ride there and back, since I was pregnant with Kimball I get car sick but its definitely bad when I'm pregnant. We did the usual - four wheeling, horse back riding, cleaning up the property, hiking, ate out at the Outpost, roasted weenies and marshmallows, shot off guns, watched movies, played games, etc. I laid low the whole time trying to avoid the throwing up trend. Kimball was grumpy all four days! He had a teething fever and was in pain so it was a challenge taking care of him but luckily I had Mom and the other girls' help.

I was anxious to be home with Lance, it'd been two weeks since Kimball had seen his Dad and I was ready for his help. Speaking of help, I don't know what to do with Kimball. Lately he had been throwing everything and throwing it hard. He usually does it when he's frustrated with something and I've tried everything to get him to quit but it's not working. He also had been hitting, I don't know where that came from. So I've been working on those two things but no luck yet. Advice?

Little baby is still sucking the life out of me. I'm still losing weight. Sometimes I have somewhat decent days, sometimes I have bad nights where I throw up a lot, but it usually stays the same. I haven't gotten consistently better yet and I'm starting to get impatient. I wish I could go outside with Kimball and play at the park or in the sprinklers or run around with him in the sunshine. The guilt is still there. But I take it day by day and pray that this sickness ends SOON.

Random Pictures From The Past Month

Discoveries

I noticed today that gummy bears have a bow tie and a little nubbin of a tail. The end.

Not Again

Thought I was out of the woods but I spent the morning in the hospital. Lance had to go into work, mom was exercising and didn't have her phone, and Donna was sleeping. So Lance woke up Donna to come sit with Kimball until my mom could come pick him up (mom had the car seat). I went to the hospital by myself which I was fine with until I got there. Then I started feeling real lonely. So I cried for a long time just sitting there by myself until Lance could come. I really hate this.

Sigh...

I have debated whether or not to truly express my feelings about this pregnancy and I always tell myself no. But today I will because I'm sure in two years I will be feeling great and wondering if we should have a third child. To my future self: no! I know when I was pregnant with Kimball I swore to myself never again, but deep down I knew he at least needed one sibling. I knew somehow that the timing was right for #2 although I'm starting to second guess myself because although I can't say specifically yet, our future is very up in the air right now.

When I confirmed my suspicions that I was indeed pregnant, I was so ecstatic!!!!! I was much more excited than I was with Kimball simply because I know what to expect since I've done this once before. I felt great for two weeks and then the sickness set in and hasn't left. True, it's not nearly as bad as it was with Kimball - that was a pure nightmare with Hyperemesis, numerous hospital visits, and throwing up at least 20 times a day. Right now I throw up about 3 times a day, don't have Hyperemesis, have not been to the hospital, but have still lost a significant amount a weight so my strength and energy is at zero. That's my main problem - no strength.

Kimball is with someone different everyday - I simply cannot take care of him. When Lance picks him up at the end of the day and we spend the evening together, I'm spent having to chase him around for those three hours. I cannot explain how exhausting it is, I just count down the hours and minutes until I can put him to bed. That sounds awful I know. At the same time, I incredibly miss that boy! Since he's turned 18 months his personality is really coming out, he's now just a ball of energy and is all over the place. I love hearing all the new words he says and the various things he's starting to understand.

There are several different words I'd use to describe how I feel all the time. The main one is guilt. I feel a huge amount of guilt. I feel embarrassed and ashamed at times, I feel helpless, pathetic, useless, and just plain guilty. I mostly feel guilty because I'm a mom and can't even take care of my own child. I have to send him out everyday because I'm too helpless to even take care of myself. Just his basic needs of eating and a fresh bum is beyond my ability. What kind of mother is that?! I also feel guilty because I can't be a wife and take care of Lance's needs. He works hard all day to provide for us and I can't even give him a hot meal or folded clothes or a clean house. I don't have the strength to stand long enough to cook a 30 minute dinner or fold/hang laundry or scrub the toilets. I have to force myself to shower, just standing there washing and rinsing is so exhausting. So I just really feel GUILT, embarrassment, and shame because my role right now is to be a mother and wife; I'm supposed to provide clean clothes and house, and yummy meals besides cold cereal and I simply. can't. do. it.

The hardest thing has been staying positive and optimistic. How do you stay positive when you're so stinking miserable all the time? How do you tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day and it could be great, but know deep down it will be just as horrible as today? The evenings are much worse. The nausea is much more intense, the throwing up is more intense, the misery in general is just more intense. Two nights ago after I put Kimball to bed I just couldn't handle it any more. Lance still wasn't home so I shed a few tears and sighed a lot to get it out of my system before he got home. It didn't work, so when he got home I cried a little and told him how I felt. I was fine after that until I went to bed and for some reason I still couldn't mentally go on. I was done. I was finished. I couldn't do it one more day. So I layed there and cried for a bit and finally asked Lance for a blessing. The blessing was beautiful and made me bawl even harder. I couldn't do anything else but cry all night.

Yesterday when I got up I was determined to do better at staying positive and I wasn't going to have another meltdown. I even decided to go to a girls night that Heather planned - we went to a discount shoe place and then had pie at Idaho Joe's. Yep, I even threw up my four bites of soup in the restaurant. Ugh!

So here I am wondering how to go on? Do I have the strength to endure this? What if this sickness lasts the rest of my 6-7 months? How do I go on??? Kimball needs a mother and Lance needs a wife and I'm not being fair to them.

On the other hand I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, right? I'm creating life, a life that is sucking the essence of life right out of me! I'm keeping my covenants, I'm doing the most important thing a woman can do, I'm working hand in hand with the Creator. But how can this be the right thing to do when I can't take care of my family? I do know that Lance and I both felt that this was the right time to have a second child. There were two phrases that constantly came to mind which were "just take a leap of faith" and "there's only one way to have a baby." And I know Kimball needs a sibling and playmate so I did, I took that leap of faith. But I don't know what happened to it because it's so difficult to go on day after day, and I'm not sure I can do this any more.

Despite how incredibly difficult this has been, I DO WANT THIS BABY!!!! I think others wonder why in the world did I get pregnant? That is simple, I want another baby. I want to see this little miracle and hold him/her in my arms as a new mom again. I do want this baby!

I have witnessed the small, tender mercies of the Lord. Between our families and ward members and friends we've been given child care for Kimball, meals, cleaning, cards, phone calls, and texts. I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude, I don't know how to thank everyone who's been such a saving grace to our family. Yesterday Heather told me I need to just let everything go, let others take care of us because it allows them the opportunity to serve.

Right now I swear up and down we are not having another baby! Two is it, I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!!! It breaks my heart to think about limiting the number of children we have based on my difficult pregnancies. That is a harsh thing to think about because I always pictured myself having a large family. And the thought I keep going back to is, my two kids need a mother. They need a nurturer and a cheerleader in their corner, and that's my job as their mother. My two kids need a mother, how can I push them aside to have another one? I don't have the answer, I don't know what the future holds and the good thing is that I don't have to make that decision right now. Right now I need to concentrate on bringing this little gummy bear into the world. I need to concentrate on being a good mom to Kimball. I need to concentrate on simply getting through today.

Journaling

• While the evenings have been particularly bad and miserable, Friday was one of the worst nights. I just couldn't escape the nausea or throwing up. BUT, the last two nights I've felt ok so I'm hoping this is a start to feeling good. *crossing my fingers*
• Kimball has turned into such a little boy. I don't know if its the warmer weather, the buzz cut I gave him, or because he's just a boy. But something has given him so much energy, he's full of it all the time. It cracks me up and also wears me out.

My moms are awesome, both Donna and my Mom. They have gone above and beyond to help me out with this pregnancy and it has made all the difference. From watching Kimball all day, running errands, making meals, grocery shopping, cleaning, folding my laundry, to taking Kimball to his doctor appointment. They do it all and I cannot thank them enough. We've been so blessed and lucky to have family and friends around to help us out and I see the tender mercies of the Lord everyday. Whether its getting a nap in or having someone play with Kimball, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and love for everyone around me.

And who could forget Lance? My dear hubby has had to step in and fill the voids I've made. Instead of relaxing when he comes home from work, he's had to help clean or take care of Kimball or do this or that for me. I kind of like him............even if he didn't get me anything for mothers day.

Yay!

I forgot to mention Kimball's stats from his 18 month check up. His weight is 22 lb and length was 31.75 inches. He's in the 25% for both but made a little progress in growing his head, it is almost on the chart. :)

My stats on the other hand, I've lost 16 pounds so far with this pregnancy. Ugh. I just want to be done with it and I still have a long. way. to. go.

And the best news, I received this in the mail about a month ago:

MAD GAB

Say the words in the two sentences below as fast as you can to find the hidden message!

Wear sew app pea wear pray guy nut.

Wheeler Ivan things giving.

Love, Christine & Stephen

Yep, that sneaky little Christine is pregnant and we're only a week apart! She's due November 22nd and I'm due November 28th. I still hope I beat her just because I'm so ready to be done with this but it does make being pregnant a little bit easier knowing I have someone to sulk and mope with, even if it is just over the phone.

As Of Late

• All last week Lance was in Oklahoma City for work and I didn't know what to do since I can't really take care of myself or Kimball. So I stayed with mom and dad, it is so nice to know I have a home away from home. I can't believe how selfless they were in helping me with Kimball and making sure I ate. I am just so grateful for amazing parents! The bad thing was that Kimball was sick all week and still is. Just a really bad cold with fevers and rashes which he gave to me. The worst part? Every time I have to cough it triggers the gag/throw up reflex. Nice, add a cold on top of this pregnancy sickness. I am amazed at how many words Kimball is saying. He's become quite the tease and it's pretty funny.
• I had an ultrasound a few weeks ago and I was right, I am only 10 weeks along instead of 11 or 12 like the doctors thought. I took that news pretty hard. I bawled and was depressed all day. But at least I got to see our little gummy bear, my due date is November 28.
• I'm sure I'm probably the most depressing pregnant woman ever. I really want this baby and it was planned and Kimball needs a sibling. It's just so difficult for me to endure this well and stay positive. The hardest part is staying optimistic when I'm so miserable. I just take it one day at a time. Mentally that's all I can do, one day at a time.
• I was released from my calling and feel so disconnected from the ward. I miss all the awesome friends we have and I get a little lonely. My awesome visiting teacher fills me in each week on what happens in the ward but its still not the same as being in church. I miss the sacrament and I really miss relief society.
• I am so thankful for all the amazing people in my life! We've needed a lot of help lately and so many people have stepped in. Allison gave me flowers, Natalie Searle visited on saturday which was so nice to chat and brought me flowers, I've received text messages from various family members and friends, Donna and my mom watch Kimball during the day, my sisters watch Kimball during the day, we've received meals and bread and homemade jam, I've been lent several movies and books, people have come to help clean the house and do laundry, etc. etc. etc. I just thank Heavenly Father everyday for these amazing people who help and encourage, their efforts and words have really helped lighten the burden.