I have debated whether or not to truly express my feelings about this pregnancy and I always tell myself no. But today I will because I'm sure in two years I will be feeling great and wondering if we should have a third child. To my future self: no! I know when I was pregnant with Kimball I swore to myself never again, but deep down I knew he at least needed one sibling. I knew somehow that the timing was right for #2 although I'm starting to second guess myself because although I can't say specifically yet, our future is very up in the air right now.
When I confirmed my suspicions that I was indeed pregnant, I was so ecstatic!!!!! I was much more excited than I was with Kimball simply because I know what to expect since I've done this once before. I felt great for two weeks and then the sickness set in and hasn't left. True, it's not nearly as bad as it was with Kimball - that was a pure nightmare with Hyperemesis, numerous hospital visits, and throwing up at least 20 times a day. Right now I throw up about 3 times a day, don't have Hyperemesis, have not been to the hospital, but have still lost a significant amount a weight so my strength and energy is at zero. That's my main problem - no strength.
Kimball is with someone different everyday - I simply cannot take care of him. When Lance picks him up at the end of the day and we spend the evening together, I'm spent having to chase him around for those three hours. I cannot explain how exhausting it is, I just count down the hours and minutes until I can put him to bed. That sounds awful I know. At the same time, I incredibly miss that boy! Since he's turned 18 months his personality is really coming out, he's now just a ball of energy and is all over the place. I love hearing all the new words he says and the various things he's starting to understand.
There are several different words I'd use to describe how I feel all the time. The main one is guilt. I feel a huge amount of guilt. I feel embarrassed and ashamed at times, I feel helpless, pathetic, useless, and just plain guilty. I mostly feel guilty because I'm a mom and can't even take care of my own child. I have to send him out everyday because I'm too helpless to even take care of myself. Just his basic needs of eating and a fresh bum is beyond my ability. What kind of mother is that?! I also feel guilty because I can't be a wife and take care of Lance's needs. He works hard all day to provide for us and I can't even give him a hot meal or folded clothes or a clean house. I don't have the strength to stand long enough to cook a 30 minute dinner or fold/hang laundry or scrub the toilets. I have to force myself to shower, just standing there washing and rinsing is so exhausting. So I just really feel GUILT, embarrassment, and shame because my role right now is to be a mother and wife; I'm supposed to provide clean clothes and house, and yummy meals besides cold cereal and I simply. can't. do. it.
The hardest thing has been staying positive and optimistic. How do you stay positive when you're so stinking miserable all the time? How do you tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day and it could be great, but know deep down it will be just as horrible as today? The evenings are much worse. The nausea is much more intense, the throwing up is more intense, the misery in general is just more intense. Two nights ago after I put Kimball to bed I just couldn't handle it any more. Lance still wasn't home so I shed a few tears and sighed a lot to get it out of my system before he got home. It didn't work, so when he got home I cried a little and told him how I felt. I was fine after that until I went to bed and for some reason I still couldn't mentally go on. I was done. I was finished. I couldn't do it one more day. So I layed there and cried for a bit and finally asked Lance for a blessing. The blessing was beautiful and made me bawl even harder. I couldn't do anything else but cry all night.
Yesterday when I got up I was determined to do better at staying positive and I wasn't going to have another meltdown. I even decided to go to a girls night that Heather planned - we went to a discount shoe place and then had pie at Idaho Joe's. Yep, I even threw up my four bites of soup in the restaurant. Ugh!
So here I am wondering how to go on? Do I have the strength to endure this? What if this sickness lasts the rest of my 6-7 months? How do I go on??? Kimball needs a mother and Lance needs a wife and I'm not being fair to them.
On the other hand I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, right? I'm creating life, a life that is sucking the essence of life right out of me! I'm keeping my covenants, I'm doing the most important thing a woman can do, I'm working hand in hand with the Creator. But how can this be the right thing to do when I can't take care of my family? I do know that Lance and I both felt that this was the right time to have a second child. There were two phrases that constantly came to mind which were "just take a leap of faith" and "there's only one way to have a baby." And I know Kimball needs a sibling and playmate so I did, I took that leap of faith. But I don't know what happened to it because it's so difficult to go on day after day, and I'm not sure I can do this any more.
Despite how incredibly difficult this has been, I DO WANT THIS BABY!!!! I think others wonder why in the world did I get pregnant? That is simple, I want another baby. I want to see this little miracle and hold him/her in my arms as a new mom again. I do want this baby!
I have witnessed the small, tender mercies of the Lord. Between our families and ward members and friends we've been given child care for Kimball, meals, cleaning, cards, phone calls, and texts. I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude, I don't know how to thank everyone who's been such a saving grace to our family. Yesterday Heather told me I need to just let everything go, let others take care of us because it allows them the opportunity to serve.
Right now I swear up and down we are not having another baby! Two is it, I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!!! It breaks my heart to think about limiting the number of children we have based on my difficult pregnancies. That is a harsh thing to think about because I always pictured myself having a large family. And the thought I keep going back to is, my two kids need a mother. They need a nurturer and a cheerleader in their corner, and that's my job as their mother. My two kids need a mother, how can I push them aside to have another one? I don't have the answer, I don't know what the future holds and the good thing is that I don't have to make that decision right now. Right now I need to concentrate on bringing this little gummy bear into the world. I need to concentrate on being a good mom to Kimball. I need to concentrate on simply getting through today.
2 comments:
Becky, I am sending you a giant hug. I wish I had wise words to share, but every time I try to type them I can't get my thoughts out right. just know I am thinking of you!!!
You are an incredible mom and an incredible person! I understand the "guilt" feelings because I had to depend on so many others through my surgeries, but what I do have to say is that you should not feel guilty because you do so much for Lance and Kimball when you're not sick. You constantly are thinking of others' needs and are a very selfless person. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible, but know that people are more than happy to help you out, especially because they know you would do the same for them. I hope everything eases up soon!
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