Note To Self

I am writing this to help my future self in deciding if I should have more kids. NO. I will probably want more because babies are just so pure and innocent. But, I cannot go through another pregnancy! I have been struggling the last few weeks being pregnant. Just enduring it and dealing with the symptoms is really messing with my head.

I'm now 29 weeks along and for some reason, all the third trimester symptoms came on all at once. Not gradually, no. All at once. The difficulty breathing, extreme uncomfortableness, back pain, rib pain, no sleep, etc. Of course the breathing is made worse with each braxton hicks that I get and I get those quite often. Too often. And since the baby has gotten bigger those braxton hicks have become much stronger I'm usually doubled over in pain. Ugh! I hate it all!

The worst part has been, just like the first 20 weeks, enduring it all mentally. The best words to describe it are courage and endurance. I don't have the courage to get up every morning, and yes I will admit that sometimes I leave Kimball in his crib for an hour or so talking to himself because I simply cannot get out of bed. I just can't face the day. I don't have the endurance to make it through the day or week. Mentally, I just shut down and can't go on. It's awful. I feel so guilty because I have Kimball to take care of and he deserves better than me.  Of course the feelings of guilt don't give me courage or endurance so I've got to battle the guilt too.

I should be happy that I'm pregnant and I am. I just don't know how to finish out these last 2.5 months. I want this baby girl so bad, I just don't want to be pregnant. Pregnancy and me don't agree at all, whatsoever. I think being pregnant is one of the worst things ever and I hate it. I love children and babies and I want them, but getting them here is definitely the biggest trial.

So I'm back to taking everything one day at a time. Because right now I don't know what else to do. Still wish I would have bought that case of laffy taffy, maybe tomorrow or the next day will push me over the edge to just give in and order it. I love this girl and I love Kimball and I love being a mom more than anything. Just breathe.....I can do this.............I hope?