Journaling

I wish I had more time to blog. Certain days I have overwhelming thoughts and feelings that I'd like to write down but the kids' needs take up my time. Then I usually think one day I will get there and have a few minutes to write. So, this is just for myself.

I have various feelings about Cora's conditions. Lately, she still has the rash which continues to get worse and we are on week two of it. It's now spread to her face and her head. To add insult to injury she's also come down with a cold. Both kids have colds, I've got a runny nose, and Lance is home from work with an upset stomach. It seems we cannot get rid of the illnesses that have plagued us since January.

With Cora's rash and being sick I feel defeated sometimes. It's just one thing after the other! It breaks my heart when I hear her coughing all night and look at her face, she's so miserable and the rash looks awful. I feel like I'm failing her. It's my job to keep her healthy, happy, and protected and I feel like I keep failing her. If she were to die tomorrow, it'd be the saddest 3 month life ever! And I feel bad about that. I know there isn't much I can do and what I can do I'm doing my best. But I still feel like she deserves better. Whether it's a better mom or a better, healthier body I don't know.

Mom and Dad have told me several things last month that I want to remember. Mom said that I was the vessel who gave Cora her body and that's all she needs. True. She needs a body and whatever Heavenly Father has in store for her now is up to Him. But I gave her the body. I wish I would have had that perspective when I was pregnant, I would hope that I would've viewed my very difficult pregnancies a little differently.

  Alma 40:23 The ^asoul shall be ^brestored to the ^cbody, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a ^dhair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and ^eperfect frame.

Even though Cora's body isn't perfect, it will be. It's funny to me how I'm taught this doctrine being raised in the church and being taught it again by the spirit through my own studies over the years, but yet I never really had to apply it to myself until now. Dad said that my body is perfect for me and Cora's body is just perfect for Cora. It's part of what makes Cora, Cora.

Be we reminded that a perfect body is not required to achieve one’s divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail or imperfect bodies. Great spiritual strength is often developed by people with physical challenges, precisely because they are so challenged. Anyone who studies the workings of the human body has surely “seen God moving in his majesty and power.” Because the body is governed by divine law, any healing comes by obedience to the law upon which that blessing is predicated.

- Elder Russel M. Nelson

I have no idea what Cora's life will be like. I don't know if she'll pass away at a young age, be mentally challenged and slow, be physically challenged and slow, or if she will be perfectly "normal" and live a long life. I shudder to think of my baby passing away but the thought has crossed my mind. I remember the very first Sacrament Meeting we attended here in Spokane, it was our third day here. A high councilman was speaking and told of his own family's physical challenges with organ transplants, diseases, and death. This had happened to his children. Through a few years of mourning, revelation, and healing, he had to ask himself one question. He said in priesthood blessings when the church was restored, many church members were asked if they had faith to be healed. He said in my experience I had to ask myself if I had enough faith for my children to not be healed. This high councilman's remarks have remained with me these past few months and ultimately my answer to that question is a resounding no. If I lost Cora I most certainly would not know how to continue on without her, the thought absolutely frightens me.

This past week at playgroup I met a mom and her two children who've recently moved back into our ward. She has a new baby that's a month younger than Cora. I made a remark of how well her baby has developed which inadvertently brought up questions about Cora's health. I didn't go into details I just politely said she has some medical hurdles to get over, and left it at that (I had just gotten done taking Cora to the doctor that morning). My friend Julie said, "Yeah, Becky's a rock! She never cries, she's so strong and is holding up pretty well." I smiled and said yes, of course we are doing ok. Which is the truth, we are all doing pretty darn well. But the one thing Julie was wrong about? I do cry. I've cried everyday since that neurology appointment. Sometimes just a tear or two when I'm in public, like at the RS sewing class when we made pillowcases or that morning at the doctor's office. But when I'm at home with the kids and can sit there reflecting on how much I purely love my children, I bawl. 

Some days are hard and discouraging. Some days are downright overwhelmingly difficult, usually doctor appointment days when we receive news and have to call family to explain what's going on. But generally speaking, I am optimistic. I'm keeping the faith that everything will be ok in the end. Dad said, "One thing I've learned is that if it's not ok, then it's not the end." I'm still not sure what he meant by it.

But I do know that Heavenly Father is mindful of his children. I know that he's helping me raise these kids. I know his Son has already suffered and I can take comfort and peace in that assurance. I know I am not alone although some days do feel like it. I know there are probably harder days ahead but I take peace in my knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I also draw strength from this quote:

On the other side of that veil there are angels riding with their chariots of fire to be a protection for your child.

-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

And so I continue on with the next task which at the moment is eight daunting loads of laundry. And I continue on with hope, because what else is there?

2 Nephi 31: 20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a ^asteadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of ^bhope, and a ^clove of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and ^dendure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have ^eeternal life.