If and When

I have debated journaling this and have fought the urge all year long because this is so personal and raw and makes me vulnerable. But now I just need to get my thoughts and feelings written down.

This year I should be pregnant and have a newborn in my arms as I type this. I'm not and that is my choice because I get so darn sick when I'm pregnant, I need to be able to take care of the children I do have before I can bring more into our family. But the question has been on my mind all year long. The imminent questions of IF and WHEN do we have more kids? And yet here I am 11 months later still without an answer.

I feel like there is another child, another spirit out there who is supposed to be a part of our family. I simply don't know how to bring another baby into this world without turning MY world upside down. Getting sick? Sure. But I'm more concerned about Cora and Kimball's needs. Cora has therapy twice a week for two hours each along with a number of doctor appointments. Kimball has speech once a week. I have no idea how I'd be able to walk to the car to load the kids up, no less actually drive a car to get them to their therapies. Concern #1.

In my head is a very long file folder of all of Cora's surgeries, doctors names and specialist fields, diagnosis and disorder list, medical terminology, medications currently on and medications she's allergic to, a seemingly endless list of various symptoms and side effects and all around bodily history of her short 24 month life, and a detailed chronological time table to everything in between! So, if someone else does take Cora to her specialist visits I'm afraid critical history and information will be left out or that questions won't get asked that I need answers to. Concern #2. 

Cora has seen geneticists and has been cleared of any genetic disorder or disease. But there is still a risk of having another child with malformations, defects, or abnormalities. Concern #3.

Have I mentioned that I get hyperemesis gravidarum, A.K.A. extreme vomiting and weight loss while being pregnant? Concern #4.

Having explained my concerns there is still this unshakable yet subtle feeling that there's another spirit who needs our family. And so this question remains in the back of my mind of every day.

Last week there was a sewing class in RS and I went and worked on some Christmas projects that need sewing. A gal had asked about Cora and the previous day I had just found out about Cora needing another eye surgery so I mentioned that. She said, "Oh that's the same day I have to have surgery too." This gal is having a hysterectomy out of necessity. She's 31 and has three children and it has taken her the last eight months to come to terms with this surgery. I humbly asked how she was feeling about it, knowing full well her heart's desire of wanting a lot more children, and I suddenly burst into tears. I just had total sympathy and shared in that utter loss because I have been facing the same question all year long. Of course my situation is definitely not as dire because I don't have to base my answer on medical conditions. But my heart ached for her because I knew that I too, soon, would be facing the same dilemma. I couldn't stop crying and I felt foolish and didn't want to make her start crying especially since it had taken her so long to come to terms with her fate. But my heart truly ached and it was then that I realized my heart will always ache when I have to come to terms with my choice of IF and WHEN. Whether my reason is brought on by choice, medical conditions, or age, it doesn't matter. It is an ache that will be there, hopefully dulled by time and grandchildren but a desire to have more children will always be there even if I'm 90 years old.