In The Eyes Of Defeat

Tuesday through Friday were rough days this week. It started at the playgroup on Tuesday when Cora wouldn't quit spitting up. Funny how it's the small things that can trigger a domino affect and make such a big reaction. I left the playgroup that day crying over massive amounts of spit up which in turn made me cry about Cora's other issues that I still can't sort out.

She still spits up A LOT and cries after she eats like she's in pain. Usually the crying is in the evening and turns to screaming. Cousin Susie wondered if maybe she's allergic to the formula like her kids were so she suggested I try Nutramegin. Did that, didn't help.

Her rash is certainly looking a lot better, she's been off the reflux meds for nine days now. But now she has a new rash.......sigh.......I don't know what to do. She's obviously hurting when she eats but I don't know what to do.

She's still colic at night, I'm sure my break down this week was in large part due to sleep deprivation from screaming nights.

Wednesday I just felt utterly defeated. It doesn't matter what I try to do for her, nothing works. Nothing is helping, nothing is improving. It's like taking one step forward and two back - adding more problems to the mix. That morning I cried and called Lance asking if he had any suggestions but we were both clueless. I called mom but she didn't answer. So I was in survivor mode until nap time. The tears kept coming, Mom eventually called me back later in the evening and I told her how I was feeling. I cried some more. I hate seeing my baby in so much pain. I hate seeing her unhappy and screaming like that all night long. Oh boy does she scream all night long. I felt a little better after talking to mom and I went to bed while Lance took Cora for a bit. But I couldn't fall asleep, I fought the tears until I gave up in defeat and I sobbed. And sobbed and sobbed. Around midnight I asked Lance to give me a blessing.

I just don't know what to do. I've tried every suggestion that doctors and other moms have given me. I've tried it all and nothing is helping. So this week I've felt completely defeated. But I keep thinking to myself, tomorrow is a new day and maybe it will get better. Even though nothing has improved yet, I know that I'm not in this alone. Motherhood is a partnership with God and I know that he loves and cares for Cora just as I do. I know he won't leave me alone because he too created her. And as her Creator I know that He knows how to fix the problems she has. Maybe the problems can't be fixed with medicine or surgery, I just don't know. But I do know without a doubt that He can heal her. The scripture in Psalms keeps coming to mind, "Be still and know that I am God."