Wiggle Worm

Yesterday was another day spent in the hospital. I was scheduled for an ultrasound which was really neat to see the heart beat and it's little arms wiggling. But I've never thrown up so much, the vomiting continues. They summoned for the doctor who saw me last week and I got more iv fluids. I threw up 3 times while getting the fluids and I was glad they saw that because they knew it's not just in my head and it really is as bad as I say it is. They gave me more meds and released me with instructions to call first thing in the morning to make an appointment for......I can't remember what it's called......a permanent iv thing so they don't have to poke me anymore. Which means I'll be going in quite frequently for iv fluids.

Good news is as they measured the baby, I'm a week further along. I hope that means only 3 more weeks of this misery.

No Egg Hunt

Spent Easter sunday in the hospital. When does the vomiting stop?

Journaling

Week 8 has proven to be the most difficult thus far. I throw up all day everyday. I can't even keep liquids down not to mention anything solid. Sleeping has become harder and my appetite has become even more nonexistent. Since my doctors appointment on Wednesday I've lost another 5 pounds. How much longer can this go on?

Lance Recap

Lance told me our blog has turned into "one of those blogs that's all about the kids" and "we have the most depressing blog ever." So I struggle with what to post because I am so miserable with the pregnancy sickness, what else am I supposed to post about? My good day this week was short lived and I've been throwing up since then. Ugh.....I'm so ready for this to be over. So this is all about Lance.

Since I've had pregnancy brain my mind has been so fogged over that any questions or preparations about moving and what to add to the new house has all been a blur. I've pretty much left that up to Lance because I just can't focus at all. He's been busy buying things off craigslist to furnish the house. So far he's acquired a washer, stove, couch, dining table, and an AC unit for the rental. We still need a dryer and fridge but it will come with time.

He studies like crazy for his insurance course, I'm not sure when he's planning to schedule the exam in Boise but I think he gets closer and closer each day. This last semester has proven to be filled with lots of "busy homework." The pointless kind that has you write 20 pages for each assignment just to prove you read the section. He's so ready for it to be over and luckily has just a few weeks left.

We both keep hoping for spring to come and just when we see a little sunshine, the wind whips up and brings rain. Much like my sickness. Just when I think I'm starting to feel somewhat good, everything comes back up.

Glimpse of Relief

Today has actually been a good day. I don't feel fine or ok or so-so, I feel good. I feel hope and encouragement today, like I can actually do this. That's awesome progress especially coming directly from Sunday and Monday as really, really bad. I don't know what the difference is. I haven't eaten or done anything different at all. I was ready to get back to work, I was anxious to go outside for the first time in a long time, I was even smiling and walking around the house. Crazy! But it's awesome and I almost feel like my old self. Almost. Lance is afraid something is wrong, guess we'll find out tomorrow at my first doctors appointment. I just want to get the due date because I'm sick of everyone asking me without having a definite answer. I should be at 8 weeks, I just hope they don't say, "Oh it looks like you're only 6 weeks along." That would be devastating!

I really don't want to be sick tomorrow for my first appointment and I don't want to be sick when we close on the house. That would be terrible.

Menu Items

Question: Since being a mother is the most selfless thing I could ever do as well as the most painful thing, why does God make it so difficult to be pregnant? As if the labor isn't bad enough (and I don't even know yet, I've just heard horror stories) why does it have to be this way? Why do we have to feel so miserable and sick? Don't we get punished enough during labor?

I wish I was one of those women who's written about in journals that "she never complained and endure her trials well." I'm just trying to be realistic here and I'm trying the best that I can to be cheerful and optimistic. But its quite difficult to be/think so when I'm so miserable all the time.

So far, every day is different. Yesterday I threw up all day and was quite certain I would through the night as well although I was spared and slept off and on. I just wish food was appealing. Any food. Give me one food I can eat and I'll be thrilled! But nothing appeals and nothing settles my stomach. What's weird is that food tastes different now. I thought I would try Doritos chips, you know the regular kind in a red bag that is popular with lunches? But those didn't work, they taste so different now. Oranges help a little and Frito's chips help a little but what settles my stomach today will be repulsive tomorrow.

So frustrating and I'm only 8 weeks along. I do have my first doctors appointment this week which I'm looking forward to although I have no idea what to expect. I'm just hoping they'll give me any kind of good news.

Jerusha's Engagement!

We love Scott. He's so perfect for Jerusha in every way and Lance loves him because he finds Lance funny. :) Just kidding. But really, we couldn't be more thrilled and are so excited for the July wedding! These two pictures are with the sister missionaries who interrupted Scott during their pivotal moment.

I forgot to mention, the worst thing about being pregnant (besides the sickness)? Lance and I planned an 8 day vacation to Charleston, SC including going to Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. We canceled the trip, I'm in no condition to be traveling or leaving the house. We'd arrive in the Low Country next friday......but sadly it isn't going to happen. :(

Heh?

I have started so many posts about being pregnant but end up deleting them all. I've had to sort through my feelings and yet I still feel so confused. So here are my random thoughts and feelings and I still don't know what some of them mean.

• I don't like being pregnant. The worst thing is having to eat every 2-3 hours when nothing sounds good. Every type of food repulses me and I've learned that I have to force myself to eat. If I can keep it down, I need to eat it. Regardless. And that is SO obnoxious! I can't eat any sweets at all which is depressing. Just last night I had a dream that I had gallons of different kinds of ice cream all around me and I went to town devouring them. I woke up to find Lance had a bowl of ice cream when I was sleeping and he left the evidence of a dirty bowl on the coffee table. Just jealous, that's all.
• I've never had hunger pains in my life like this. Yeah, I know the occasional stomach growl but these are no stomach growls. These are true hunger pains. And these pains wake me up once or twice a night to tell me to eat. If I ignore it or accidentally fall back asleep, the hunger pains assault me again only worse to the point of throwing up. Again, obnoxious.
• I have been sick. Nauseous and throwing up. Why is this a problem besides the obvious discomfort? Well, for at least another month I'm still the bread winner until Lance finishes his insurance course and can start his new position. I haven't even worked 20 hours last week or this week. It's impossible which makes me quite worried because at the same time I don't have any other choice. Luckily dad is my employer who is very understanding and hasn't fired me. Yet. Last week I did call the doctor and let them know the predicament. They suggested I try half a B6 and half a unisom for the nausea which didn't work so well. After two days I called back and demanded something better so they gave me a prescription for Zofran. This pill works but I still have problems with it or maybe I should say I still have the pregnancy symptoms and it's hard for me to decipher the two.
  
• My brain has gone to mush. I can't focus or concentrate. Working has become really hard. I thought I'd gone crazy until Lance's mom and sister told me they had the same thing when they were pregnant.
• I have zero energy. Even after I shower I've got to have at least an hour nap. I sleep well at night (besides the hunger pains waking me to eat) and even sleep longer than usual, but still have no energy. I have to sit all the time. Walking from room to room is very limited and standing is out of the question. Needless to say, Lance has been in charge of dishes and laundry because I simply can't do it. And no, don't come over to visit. The house is a total mess and it's really embarrassing because I can't do anything about it. It's all exhausting.
• I avoid going out in public at all costs. I'm so afraid of going outside the house without my barf bucket. (I even took it with me to the girls night at mom's). I feel vulnerable without my bucket buddy so he's my constant companion. I even took my mom with me grocery shopping and other than driving a few blocks to work, I don't go anywhere by myself.
• Other than the physical aspect, how is being pregnant? I don't know because I'm miserable all the time and the baby is too small to kick or hiccup or hear the heart beat. So I feel like a regular person that has been constantly sick. I don't deal well with pain or sickness, which should be obvious, but I honestly just want to be normal again. I want to eat normal and work normal and sleep normal and socialize normal. I was at a store the other day with my sister in law and the owner said, "You are the most depressing pregnant woman I've ever seen!" True. I can't deny that. And I'm a terrible actress which also makes this hard for Lance.
  
• I've come to loathe the word pregnant, preggo, preg, preggy, and any other variation of the word. Please don't call me that.
  
• Everybody laughs at me. My mom, the boys, Lance, the sisters, Christine, and even Kerry. The ones allowed to laugh are those that have been pregnant before. If you haven't and especially if you're a guy, don't even think about it. I know I look pathetic, I know I sound pathetic. But again, I don't deal well with this stuff and I'm trying my best here!

There are so many other confusing thoughts and feelings I have but I don't know how to sort through them. Right now, my main focus is to get through this first trimester one day at a time and I still have a long. way. to. go.