Sunday, January 22, 2012

Ugh

Today. A cold Sunday with gray skies and even colder wind. However, this morning I was all gunge-ho about going to church for the first time since I had Kimball. I had to meet with the bishopric before church to receive my new calling, I was even excited about that and the opportunity to serve again. I got us both ready for church and was even punctual for my meeting. It went great and I'm now a sunday school teacher. I was anxious and felt ready to accept a calling and go to all 3 hours of church. I fed and changed Kimball before church started so he'd sleep the entire time. Easy as pie.

Sacrament meeting wasn't too bad but I did hand him off to Lance eventually because he was fussy. Not like him. Sunday school came and he was still fussing. Odd, he's usually conked out after he eats so I thought I'd take advantage of sunday school and feed him again so I can listen to the RS lesson. He slept for about 5 minutes before starting to fuss again. I tried to get him to sleep but to no avail. I was done. Had it. I passed him off to Lance. I should have gone home instead of going back to RS. Then the meltdown started and I tried to suppress it but a few tears still leaked out. I was too upset to even listen to the lesson but I tried. As soon as church was over and I got into the car the flood gates opened.

I thought I could handle going back to church. Easy, right? He was fed and would sleep the whole time. Why didn't he? My excitement to listen and feel the spirit totally disappeared. I don't know what the heck I'm doing and its so frustrating! I feel so bad for Kimball because he has to have a mom like me that's totally clueless and can't even handle church. I look around and see tons of moms with 4-7 kids and a newborn to take care of. They can handle it so why can't I? To them the whole mothering thing comes with the snap of a finger and its as natural as the sun coming up every morning. They don't have stupid meltdowns like me and pass their kids off to their husbands. They can handle anything. I see tons of moms who are skinny and yet here I am gaining weight instead of losing which is a whole other problem in itself. I don't want to get any comments on here that I'm already so small and such and don't need to lose weight. That's incorrect. Every woman I know loses weight after having a baby. Not me, I've been gaining weight after having Kimball and even though I'm petite I still need to lose weight. I feel gross!

What's my problem? Why can't I figure any of this out like the other moms? Its so disheartening because I love being a mom but its so dang hard at the same time. I wouldn't trade Kimball for the world, he's my everything! I just wish other moms wouldn't make it look so easy. I'd like to see one of them have a meltdown. I'd like to see one of them pass off the baby to the husband. I'd like to see one of them call their maternity pants their skinny jeans after they had their baby. I'd like to see them in pajamas with no hair or makeup done and a tear stained face. I'd like to see them on the edge of upset and frustrated. Maybe I'd feel more sure about what I'm doing because I'm pretty sure they've been the #1 mom from the get-go.

Later on Kimball was ready for bed around 8:00 and I hadn't had a nap at all. Perfect, now is my time to catch up on sleep and time for Lance to visit his parents since he'd been helping me all day and needed a break too. Within two minutes I was just about to the land of bliss when Kimball started crying. Ugh, what?! He should be sleeping, why is he awake? Insert meltdown here. So I bawled and tried to sleep with him on the recliner. Well, Kimball slept but I didn't. In the meantime Hero Sir Lancelot came home to the rescue from his parent's house. I didn't want to burden him anymore so I just said I'd lay with Kimball a little longer while Lance cut his hair and showered. I finally put Kimball back in his crib and I crept off to join Lance in bed only to hear Kimball crying again once I laid my head down on the pillow. Insert meltdown here. So I fed Kimball and bawled the entire time. Surprisingly he ate quickly and I went to bed.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I just couldn't couldn't do it, at all. Any attempt I made at trying was shot down. Maybe Kimball just wanted his dad, I don't know. Whatever reason it is, I'm SO SO thankful for Lance. Not only did he take care of Kimball, it was all the little things in between. He came outside and helped me into the house from church. He did the dishes and even washed all the big stuff by hand. He swept the kitchen. He even wiped down the counters which he doesn't do. He came home early from his parent's. He came into Kimball's room to check on me every time I had a meltdown.

I hate having all these meltdowns. I hate feeling jealous of all the moms and women out there who make it look so easy. I love Lance and I love Kimball. Today was just not my day and my Hero Sir Lancelot kept me sane.

5 comments:

Laura said...

I don't know what to say other than that I understand. I had every single feeling you had from the weight issues and feeling icky to the just needing one minute to myself and the feeling of being so inadequate. I am so sorry you are feeling these things. Becky, I think you are an amazing woman. Kimball and Lance are as lucky to have you as you are to have them. I'll be thinking of you, hoping this passes soon. HUGS!!

Connie said...

First of all, you are doing an amazing job. Having meltdowns are natural and OK. I do it all the time. Also, these "perfect moms" you think you are seeing, are far from perfect. They are just good at faking it. You can come over to my messy house any time of the day and see me in my jama pants with no makeup on and my messy hair if that will make you feel better.
Church is HARD!!!! I was saying a couple of weeks ago that I needed to either premedicate myself with a Xanax or blood pressure medication just to make it thru those 3 loooong hours! Be grateful you have Lance. It has to be so wonderful to have someone to hand the baby over to. I just told Bryan a couple of weeks ago that I needed a church husband. Handling 4 kids alone for 3 hours and trying to do your calling and not look like "crazy sister Walker" at the same time is near impossible at times. But it's worth it and I know you know that. You will get the hang of things. We all have bad days. Even Kimball. And you are entitled to yours as well. Hang in there, sweets, you are an amazing mom!!

Steve + Brindy Arnett said...

ok, i don't want to feel like a blog stalker! but my husband knows your husband from his mission... actually, hes a funeral director now because of him! and so your on our blog list and i hope you dont mind but i love looking at it! especially since we both just had babies too...

anyways i just wanted to say that i think EVERY mom has these feelings. i remember with my first just crying because i felt like all i did was nurse all day! and i just had a baby and theres some days where i just feel like i have no break and so as soon as my husband gets home ill hand him the baby! i really dont think its ever as easy as other people make it look... and i think however inadequate you might feel sometimes, your baby is really so blessed to have a mom that cares so much about his needs and loves him so much!

*LaUrA* said...

I think 99% of the moms you are talking about would tell you they are indeed crazy inside:) BUT...it does get easier. This is your first and he is still brand new ...it is HARD!! I always try to warn new mothers of that because I was thrown for a huge loop when Carter was born. It took me 18 months to feel like maybe I was back to normal:) Most people don't take as long as me...I was a bit slow. I cried all the time and even wished things were back the way they used to be...me and Josh in our care free days. Sounds horrible huh...and I felt extremely guilty feeling that way...but guess what I got through those "blues" and would never ever ever want to experience life again without Carter. I know you feel the same way...doesn't mean it isn't hard. I am so grateful Lance is taking care of you and coming to your rescue. Good husbands are truly a Godsend in these situations. There are lots of moms out there who do not have anyone to lean on like that...I don't know that I would have survived without Josh.

I took the liberty of taking 3 months off church and then going sporadically when Carter was born. Some ladies are there seriously the next weeks...other moms need more time to get their bearings...I was one of the ones who was very liberal with my "time off"...haha. So make sure to do what is best for you and Kimball and Lance and to keep your sanity. The hard thing about being a first time mom is all the guilt felt about everything...kick it to the curb because none of it matters. The other moms do not matter...the only thing that matters is that you find what works for you and your little family.

It sounds like you are not sleeping at all...this will kill you. Plan a time with Lance or grandma or sister or SOMEONE and SLEEP!! You will feel loads better.

If you need someone to talk to or cry to or need help or anything send me an e-mail or give me a call!!

Stephanie said...

Sorry you had such a bad day. If you were to even spend a day with these so-called "perfect moms" I think you would find that things are not nearly as perfect as they seem. I think every mom feels like you at times.
I remember when I first went back to church, after having Sage, somebody commented that I seemed so calm and put together; like I knew exactly what I was doing. I can tell you that I felt the complete opposite. There were times I just picked up the baby and left church because I couldn't take it anymore.
It really does get easier after you have adjusted to being a mom. Just hang in there. You are doing a great job!