Saturday, October 19, 2013

Only Two? Who Knows

I know I say this at least ten times a day but I'm so beyond ready to get this baby out! Pregnancy is not kind to my body, it seems that whatever can go wrong does. Including the complications with the baby. Now, Lance and I have differing opinions on this because technically we haven't had any complications with her, as far as we know she's just small and all the "potential complications" she could have had, have resolved themselves. But my argument is that it doesn't matter because the doctors are still treating me like she does have complications. I guess it's different for him because he doesn't have to physically and mentally go through it. Since 32 weeks I've been going to the doctor twice a week. It's insanely annoying and a bit frustrating because I don't feel like I need the NST or fluid tests. But the doctors insist.

The hardest thing about this pregnancy has been dealing with it all psychologically. At 20 weeks I was so excited to find out it was a girl! But it was also the same appointment the baby showed four or five "soft markers" for genetic disorders or downs syndrome or CF and that we had to make a mad dash to Boise to figure out what was going on. At every doctors appointment since then the doctors end up changing their minds about the baby's "complications", change their minds about how to treat me, change their minds about how often I need to be monitored, etc. Every appointment something is different. Every appointment is a different doctor. Every appointment I have to explain my baby's development history. Every appointment the diagnosis' changes. Every appointment is simply frustrating.

That is the hardest to deal with mentally. The physical part is a whole different aspect of being pregnant. I know every pregnancy is different and every baby is different but I haven't had a normal pregnancy yet. Physically with me being so sick and with both babies having complications. I just don't know how many more times I can go through that. I know thinking about more children right now is crazy but I'm always trying to prepare for the future and I want to document this for my future self.

This pregnancy has been all about dealing with things mentally, and mentally I just can't do it again. I don't know if I can put my family through it again. I still feel guilty falling short of my duties as a wife and mother. I've definitely gotten better with it since I haven't been sick anymore, but I still fall short in many areas. My family deserves a mother and wife who is better than that, someone who can give and devote themselves 100%. It simply isn't fair to them.

I'm definitely a list making person. I love checking things off a to do list, it's almost therapeutic to draw that line, haha. And so when I plan my day and have these seemingly meaningless "projects" to pass my time until the baby comes (make cookies, make pumpkin chocolate chip bread, find a storage solution for baby's hair stuff, reupholster dining room chairs, bug bomb the house, clean up fabric stuff, etc.) what I'm really thinking to myself is, "Self, I'd really love nothing more than to go to the hospital and have this baby right now."

As horrible as it sounds, I'm still hoping she comes sooner rather than later. For my own sanity and for the safety and well being of my family.  :)  I have no other choice than to take it one day at a time and some days are worse than others but I press on. Kimball is a crazy cute distraction and keeps me on my toes. His favorite phrase now is "thank you" and it's the dang cutest thing! He always says it so soft and gentle and with a smile, it totally melts my heart.

1 comment:

Laura said...

It is good you documented this. I am so sorry it wears on you so much. And I understand about the doc thing. Just being pregnant alone is hard work but throw in extra mental stress and it is too much! Can't wait to see her and find out her name!