Thursday, December 12, 2013

Clarification, Recovery, and Other Things

First of all, I need to clarify my last post about feeling complete as a family. A few people have asked me if it feels good to know that I'm done having kids and not having to worry about being pregnant again (dealing with hyperemesis). I'm taking motherhood one child a a time and I don't know if we are done having kids or not, time will tell. I wish I could say with certainty one way or the other but I can't. What I meant when I said I felt complete, was that I felt complete as a family having Cora finally home. It's hard to leave the NICU when you know the smallest, purest, most fragile person of your family is still struggling to breathe, eat, and keep her temperature up. You leave a part of you at the hospital. And so it felt wonderful to bring her home and finally have our family of four complete instead of always missing a member. (I don't know if that makes sense but it does in my head).

My recovery is still in progress. With Kimball I was back to normal on day three or four. But today Cora is three weeks old which means I've been recovering for three weeks. I still get headaches here and there. The nausea only happens about once a week now but I've quit taking Zofran because I'm sick of taking 15 pills a day! My incision is still painful, mostly internally. The skin around my waist still hurts quite a bit from being so stretched out but I've become accustomed to it. I feel a little better everyday but it's certainly a slow process compared to recovering from Kimball. No wonder people say to give yourself six weeks, I'm not sure I'll be 100% even by then. But recovery is still way better than being pregnant (physically).

In the hospital the nurses kept asking me if I was going to nurse Cora. I had previously told myself I would because it's free and just because I had a nightmare of a time trying to nurse Kimball, that doesn't mean it'll be that way the second time. But when they asked me I started to second guess my choice. Because my recovery has been so hard it took me a while to decide and I didn't want to add "one more thing that goes wrong". By day three I finally decided I wasn't going to try. And I'm so glad I made that decision! With recovery being slow I'm so anxious to function normal again. I need to be healthy so I can raise these two kids. I need to be happy so I can raise these two kids. I need to be confident in myself so I can raise these two kids. For those three reasons alone, I'm glad I made the decision I did. My children need a mother who can dedicate her whole self to her kids and I don't think I could have done that if I was still struggling with nursing Cora.

I love being a mother! I love my children more than anything in this world and I'm so glad they're mine. On days like today when Kimball seems to be purposely defiant and push all my buttons and limits, I might have to take a few minutes to regroup but even then I LOVE MY JOB!!!

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